Geisterfahrer
by scrambleddragoneggs
Summary: It's been several years since Hoseok passed away in an accident, and Minhyuk can't help but feel a little lost without him. Despite Kihyun trying to support him, some days it just feels like too much.


(Geisterfahrer - Tokio Hotel)

Most people claim that a person's 20's are supposed to be the best years of their lives. They're expected to be full of hopes and dreams, and a seemingly neverending joy that causes a sort of youthful glow. A person's 20's are supposed to be full of love and friendships, and nothing can stand in their way.

Only for Lee Minhyuk, none of this was ever the case.

The 23 year old heaved another heavy sigh as he sat at the table in the apartment he shared with his boyfriend. The table was perfectly situated against the window, giving him a clear view of the still summer night outside. There were no clouds to be seen, and not so much as a breeze disturbed the silence. His dinner, still untouched, now sat cold in front of him. Seconds later he sighed again.

His boyfriend looked up from where he was doing dishes, setting a hand on his hip. Kihyun could seem cold, but when it came to the ones he cared about he was fiercely protective and motherly in a way. A disapproving frown settled itself on his plush lips. "Minhyukkie, that's the ninth time in five minutes you've sighed like that. What's your problem tonight?"

Minhyuk shrugs half-heartedly, his fingertips drumming on the pressed wood. "Nothing, just distracted. I've been thinking too much again."

This worries Kihyun even more, and he puts down the plate he's scrubbing in favor of going to wrap his arm's around Minhyuk's shoulders from behind. "Something's bothering you...you haven't taken your antidepressants in a few days. Should I be worried?" He hesitates a split second before asking his last question. "You aren't...planning anything are you?" he inquires carefully, studying Minhyuk's face for any giveaways.

Minhyuk's gaze drifts over to his untouched bottle of Zoloft before another shrug pulls at his thin shoulders. He'd never admit it, but Kihyun was right. Minhyuk hadn't eaten in a couple of days, and dark circles under his eyes were clear indicators that he hadn't been sleeping well either. It wasn't that he wasn't hungry or tired, but there was no point. Today was the date he'd picked for his own death, and he didn't want to say the inevitable goodbye to Kihyun. Over the years he'd built a life with Kihyun, and he felt slightly guilty about ditching it all. Minhyuk really did love the younger male, with all his heart, but this wasn't something he could fix nor understand. Giving yet another sigh he pushed himself up from his seat and grabbed his keys. "I'm going for a drive."

Kihyun's eyes widened in surprise, and he lays a hand on Minhyuk's shoulder gently. "At this hour? Baby it's almost 11 o'clock...it's too late to go alone. Will you at least let me come with you? It'll just take a second for me to grab my shoes."

Minhyuk didn't even let Kihyun finish his sentence before he was adamantly shaking his head no. "Not this time, baby. I need thinking time, okay? Just don't wait up for me." He steps forward to close the small distance between them, and he leans down to press a chaste kiss to Kihyun's forehead. "I love you. Remember that, okay?"

Now Kihyun was alarmed, and he frantically tries to pull Minhyuk to their bedroom. "No! No, why don't you stay in with me instead? Minhyukkie, let's cuddle and watch a movie. You don't have to leave, we can stay and cuddle instead. No driving."

Minhyuk just brushes his boyfriend off and walks outside to his car, lowering himself into the driver's seat slowly. He'd been planning this event for months, and every detail was carefully written out meticulously in the letter he'd asked his mother to give to Kihyun the next day. He didn't want to make Kihyun worry, and so he'd taken out a life insurance policy on himself beforehand as well as made arrangements for a funeral. He'd even gone so far to buy himself a burial plot to save Kihyun the hassle of it all. Minhyuk had dressed himself in an outfit that seemed plain to everyone else- an oversized black hoodie, worn from being used too much, and a pair of frayed denim cutoffs- but to him it was special.

This exact date, 7 years prior, his long term boyfriend had died in a car accident when Minhyuk was 16. The clothes he'd chosen were the same ones he'd been wearing the night the police had come to tell them that Hoseok was dead, and to this day Minhyuk religiously sprayed Hoseok's cologne on the hoodie to keep it the same that it had been since that day. It had been a polyamorous relationship, with Kihyun being the third party, but where Kihyun had managed to come to terms with what had happened Minhyuk couldn't. The younger man, only 15 at the time, had tried his best to help Minhyuk cope with the sudden loss of their boyfriend, but Kihyun was only human and could only do so much. Even with Kihyun's effots, Minhyuk had spiraled into a deep depression that frequently took turns for the worse with only minimal ups to it. The antidepressants helped when he took them, but as the years went on that became a less frequent occurence before it stopped altogether. He used to flush the pills just to get Kihyun to think he'd taken then, but eventually he stopped caring and just left the bottle on their kitchen counter to collect dust.

He began to drive, picking one of the busiest highways. This should definitely do the trick, if nothing else would. There didn't seem to be anyone on the roads, but sooner or later a semi or some other vehicle would have to come along. After Minhyuk takes a breath to steel his shaking nerves, he pulls hard on the wheel to make a sharp turn across the road. There were a couple of rough bumps as he crossed the median, and then he was driving on the opposite side towards incoming traffic. There was nothing coming towards him yet, but the sheer idea of what he was doing was enough to pump him full of adrenaline.

The windows were down, and as Minhyuk pushed his little car to speeds upwards of 100 kilometres per hour the warm wind whipped around him. This was exhilarating. A giddy smile crossed his face, and suddenly for the first time in years he felt pure happiness. He lets out a loud whoop, and the wind drags the sound away from him. If this feeling never ended, he'd be perfectly content forever.

It wasn't to last though. Just ahead of his little car, a semi-truck's bright lights shined glaringly into Minhyuk's eyes. The excitement was gone, and it felt as though his heart had leapt into his throat as his breathing turns to hyperventilating in the blink of an eye. This was his moment.

Allowing his eyes to fall closed, he releases the steering wheel and drops his trembling hands to his sides. His foot stomped down on the gas pedal as hard as it could, causing the engine to scream as the vehicle accelerated well beyond what it was built to go. The horn of the oncoming truck bellowed loudly, desperately trying to warn Minhyuk to pull away. He ignored it, and braced himself for impact as the sound drew nearer. Just before impact, Minhyuk's car veers off to one side and ends up in the ditch between the two lanes. He screamed more from surprise than anything, his eyes popping open to figure out where exactly he'd gone wrong. Everything about his calculations had been perfect, so what had happed?

It takes a moment before his eyes settle on the pale hand that still was gripping the steering wheel tightly, and he follows it to the brunet that was seated in the passenger seat. The breath catches in Minhyuk's throat, and tears rise quickly. "H-Hoseok..."

Hoseok, glowing faintly in the darkness, raises his head and gives his old boyfriend a kind smile. "Minhyukkie, has life really gotten so bad?"

Minhyuk tries to throw himself into Hoseok's arms, but upon finding that he couldn't actually touch the other he began to sob. "Hoseok! Hoseok please, I'm so lost!" he cries out in a distressed voice, hugging himself tightly. It felt like he was shattering all over again, and the only way to keep the pieces together was to hold them in place himself. "Why did you have to leave?!"

Hoseok leans over to brush Minhyuk's bangs away before kissing his forehead. Minhyuk could only feel an icy breeeze, but just the sight of one of Hoseok's familiar gestures sent him into another round of hysterical weeping. "My little Minhyuk...it was just my turn. It wasn't something any of us could have controlled, no matter what any of us did. It's not your fault, or mine, or Kihyunnie's." He reaches over to lace his fingers with Minhyuk's as best as he can. "Minhyuk, you can't leave Kihyun alone. I'm already gone, and if you leave him too he'll be broken."

Minhyuk takes a few minutes to gather himself, wiping his eyes with the hoodie's sleeve like a child might in that situation. Hoseok was right, because Hoseok was always right, but he still didn't want to admit that. "Living hurts too much...if I hadn't invited you to come over, you would still be here!"

Hoseok's smile turns sad. "I'm always here, Minhyuk. I'm a guardian angel to you and to Kihyun. He needs you like you need me, Minhyuk." He makes an attempt to squeeze Minhyuk's hand. "You need to go home to it."

Minhyuk sat slumped in his seat, trying to sort through his thoughts on this. On the one hand, he knew Hoseok was absolutely right about Kihyun. The younger man refused to let anyone know about his feelings because he was afraid of appearing weak, but Minhyuk knew that his boyfriend actually had a heart of glass. He took everything hard, and his death might just be the thing that does Kihyun in. On the other, he didn't really see any more options for himself. Could things really get better? Or was he doomed to repeat this miserable cycle of eternal sadness and faked smiles?

Hoseok watches Minhyuk, taking in the sight. He'd changed so much in the years that had gone by, and for a moment Hoseok felt a small pang of loneliness deep in his heart. He hated that he couldn't be there for them anymore, but it was for the best. His loves needed to grow together and find their way through life with each other for support. Another sad smile crosses his features. Time really did fly, it seemed.

Finally, Minhyuk turns to face Hoseok once more. His voice was rough from the tears, and still shaking as he spoke. "You promise you're always with us? And that you still love us?"

Hoseok leans forward, this time dropping a kiss on Minhyuk's lips while cupping the boy's face in his hands. "Always, love. I'm always here."

Minhyuk takes a second to savor this moment, trying his best to hold on even though he knew Hoseok wasn't even really there for him to hold on to in the first place. Angels couldn't be touched. "Then...let's go home, Kihyun needs me..." With a final sniffle, he gives Hoseok the faintest of smiles before coaxing his car back on the road that led home.

It was well after midnight when the car pulled into the driveway, still making an odd sound after how much abuse it had suffered that night. A single light was on in the kitchen window, as it always was whenever Kihyun went to bed without him. The simple gesture tugs at Minhyuk's heartstrings a bit, and he can't help the gentle smile that pulls on his lips as he climbs out of the car to head into their apartment. Upon entering he finds his boyfriend asleep on the couch, phone still in hand. It was obvious from his awkward positioning that Kihyun had fallen asleep waiting for Minhyuk's return. Minhyuk crosses the room to lay beside him, holding Kihyun tightly in his arms. After a minute or two he places a loving kiss on Kihyun's lips.

Kihyun's eyes fluttered open, and when he sees Minhyuk he hugs the older boy tightly. "You came home...I didn't think you were coming back." He was trying to hide it, but Minhyuk picked up on the slight break in Kihyun's voice towards the end.

He sprinkles kisses all over Kihyun's face before targeting his lips again, and he gives a tired smile. "I'll always come home, Kihyunnie. I'm not going to leave you."


End file.
